Thursday

January 12, 2023

I found a little piece of Paris in Cape Girardeau. I originally was going to a little hole-in-the-wall breakfast joint in a neighborhood, and I knew it would be good, but I wanted something that wasn’t so secluded. Perhaps if I was with someone I would do it. 

It was my first day in Cape, and it didn’t sink in that I was actually here. However, it did sink in that I was here alone. The weather was cloudy and cold. There was some rain but nothing compared to what California was getting at the time. 

I sat at a cafe called Bon Bon’s of Cape Girardeau. It was sweet how it felt like a little piece of Paris in Missouri. I looked at the freshly baked desserts but ultimately decided to get actual food. 

I was the only person there. I sat at the tall table by the window and began reading my book, Soul Mates by Thomas Moore, a book I desperately needed to fall into again. The waitress came and got my order, a breakfast wrap with extra veggies and earl grey tea.

“did you want a cup or a pot”

“a pot always… and some milk please”

I talked to the waitress for a bit. She was a student at SEMO, and is studying marketing. Her dream is to move to California. She asks where I was from.

"I'm originally from Los Angeles, but I live in Sacramento, California."

"Why the hell are you here? This place is nothing."

"Well, I had plans, and it didn't work out, so I'm having a solo trip and finding myself."

"Well, this isn't the most glamourous place, but I hope you have a great time!"

I read some of my book and tried not to cry. One page really stood out to me,

“It is typical of the soul's ways that a solution to a serious problem takes the form of paradox. We look at ourselves and don't like what we see. We imagine a better life, a more sensitive or stronger personality, deeper relationships. We try to change and to become someone better, but years pass and the old imperfections remain steadfast. One day we may learn Tillich's important lesson, to accept ourselves fundamentally, with a "merciful, divine love towards ourselves." Suddenly, things look different. I am the same person I have always been, and yet I am not. The world hasn't changed, and yet it feels different. The difficult truth to learn is that true change takes place in the imagination, and knowing this has everything to do with developing a good, intimate relationship to our own soul and the souls of others.'“

This was the first moment where I reflected on my past relationship and thought about how we would start our mornings on vacation. I also thought about the whole reason I was in Missouri, but I didn’t dwell on it.

God makes everything happen for a reason

On Wednesday, my flight was delayed due to the FAA system being out. I was freaking out, almost regretting everything I did. I almost changed planes because of the delay but instead just rode it out. The lucky girl syndrome is something I adopted on this trip, and it's a real thing. Everything went on, and I was reflecting on it on this cloudy Thursday.

I let it up to God yesterday, for the most part. I didn’t change anything even though plans changed, I just let it happen and knew it would work itself out.

I think there should be men who should be afraid of women who find joy and comfort in their own company. Sitting here in a cafe made me realize that I’m alone in Missouri and enjoying a delightful breakfast, a late one too.'